Ever since I changed careers to one with less income, I’ve been dying to talk to friends in similar situations about the financial aspect of their decision. How did they get comfortable that they had saved enough? How do they align their investing and spending with their values and reduced income? I likely waited too long to make the move myself because I lacked the emotional support that such conversations could have brought. I was just too embarrassed to ask for it.
The Money Taboo
Many of us have experienced anxiety, shame or embarrassment when there is even a risk of having to talk about income, net worth and other money topics. Many couples would prefer to talk about sex or infidelities rather than how they handle family finances or how much money they earn. Some women feel that talking money is “unfeminine or crass“. Even wealthy parents may not discuss money with children because they don’t want them to be arrogant.
The taboo can make us “seclusive, embarrassed or conflicted about discussion of money“.
What are some effects of the Money Taboo?
Money is touchy subject for many, the source of deep emotions, conflicts and anxieties. A taboo against talking about money removes an important strategy for addressing anxiety. It also makes it harder for therapists to treat patients whose challenges relate to money.
The money taboo keeps us ignorant of better habits, practices and perspectives. “This taboo keeps people from finding money’s proper place in their lives. It keeps them from balancing their financial needs with other needs; such as love, family, self-expression, self-esteem, meaningful work, and physical or emotional health.” It can maintain the false impression that more money can make us happier.
The taboo can stress marriages because, in (heterosexual) marriage, men who typically earn more, tend to control the money: but this conflicts with idea of marriage as an equal partnership. Indeed, money friction is a leading cause of divorce.
Finally, the taboo can keep women and minorities at the low-end of the pay gap, since it makes it harder to learn the true value of their labor. The taboo could worsen class conflict by increasing envy and resentment of the rich.
What makes the Money Taboo so powerful?
For many, money is a measure of status and power. And yet, most of us resent being judged this way. Worse is how we may judge ourselves, especially when we compare upwardly (comparing our status with those who appear richer) rather than downward.
“We instinctively know that as soon as we speak the numbers, judgment will follow. It could be positive or negative, but once you’ve put a number on your debt, your savings, or your income, you’ve opened the door for specific comparisons.”
Sarah Newcomb, Morningstar
Money itself has long-standing negative connotations. The New Testament refers to money as “filthy lucre” in several places. Freud notoriously equated money and feces.
Then there’s the shame of financial ignorance and the mistakes that result. With widespread financial illiteracy and misinformation, people will naturally make errors. The taboo gets some of its power because it’s so hard to admit and discuss mistakes, even–or especially–with those closest to us. A vicious circle can result in which the Money Taboo leads to mistakes, over which we are ashamed, so we avoid the topic, thereby reinforcing the taboo.
Finally, some businesses prohibit or discourage employees from discussing their compensation (perhaps illegally). This can help employers pay employees less, maintain unjustified pay gaps and avoid uncomfortable conversations, possibly at the cost of unneeded employee stress.
What Can We Do About The Taboo?
With these powerful causes and painfully reinforcing effects in mind, we can weaken the money taboo:
- Start talking about money with your significant others, close friends and family, starting with less scary topics. For example, that higher yielding savings account you just discovered. (Alternatively, start pseudonymously on social media.)
- Alternatively, be prepared to be a little vulnerable (with someone you trust). Perhaps share a recent mistake.
- Keep the conversation nonjudgmental. Focus on behaviors, feelings and results. Do check your privileges and motivations, first.
- Remember, if you have a question or concern about money, people in your life probably do, too. They will benefit from conversation as much as you will.
- Finally, if you can influence your company policy, consider supporting pay transparency and creating forums for employees to get and share financial information.
“Financial-related communications, tools and programs are ranked the most valuable resources an employer can provide – i.e., a financial wellbeing site, retirement savings plan decision tools, and 1:1 financial help.”
Alight Solutions
In short, the money taboo is a harmful and long-standing feature of American society. It can lead to mistakes and conflicts, perpetuating ignorance, mistakes, inequality and anxieties. But we can do something about it. As scary is it may feel, we can begin to open the conversation by talking about (and writing) about money more frequently. We can do this in our homes and in our workplaces (where it has been shown to increase productivity.) While these conversations may not be easy, they surely benefit everyone who participates and begin the long process of weakening this harmful taboo.
This article originally appeared at Forbes.com on February 18, 2020.